The media are continuously flapping their gums about the best mobile apps out there, or they’re busy gossiping about the next up and coming mobile startup. No one seems to be talking about all the worst mobile apps that have completely missed their mark. The funniest part about the amount of failed apps is that there are hundreds of them, if not thousands, and they are all ignored.
It’s kind of hard to ignore some of the worst mobile apps that have been tossed into the market, and it’s certainly not hard to stumble across and end up installing a few of those apps. In fact, we’ve installed and played around with our fair share of the crappiest apps available, and we have a story to tell about it. Okay, so maybe it’s not a traditional story, but you get the point.
Most everyone has a phone capable of running an “application” per se, and it doesn’t matter whether the phone is an Android, Blackberry, iPhone or Windows Phone device because they all run apps. Because most modern phones will run applications, we’re not going to discriminate – we’re merely going to cover the worst mobile apps we’ve found across all the platforms.
The Worst Mobile Apps On The Market
iNap @Work – This application signifies the epitome of lazy. It allows users to playback synthesized office sounds (keyboard typing, mouse clicks, stapling, and pencil sharpening) in order to fool colleagues and employers into thinking work is being done – while the user is actually napping. We refuse to believe that true office productivity can be measured by a series of sound effects, but who are we to judge? Nevertheless, this app makes the list not only because of what it does but also because of what types of folks would be using it in the real world.
People who would use this app: Lazy, lazy individuals who are too daft to realize they can just call out sick and take a personal holiday. Yes, we realize that calling out sick every day is unacceptable, and if one were to do it on a frequent basis he, or she, would be fired. But anyone who would use this app to make fake sounds so they could take a nap at work, enough to need such an application – will also be fired soon enough when they get caught sleeping on the job.
Hello My Name Is – This application works exactly like one of those “My Name Is” personalized labels, only this label is displayed on a four hundred dollar device screen instead of sticky paper. The user enters his or her name into the device, and it’s displayed via the phone screen. The major problem with this app is that the only way for the user to display the label is to walk around holding up the phone, or to wear their phone around their neck. Both aforementioned scenarios would certainly make any dork look like an even bigger dork.
Imagine walking around a class reunion with an iPhone hanging around your neck. Who likes to wear those silly sticker labels anyways?
People who would use this app: No one, unless of course they… no, never mind. No one in their right mind would use this app.
IPOO – This application is quite straightforward, it allows users going #2 to browse a social community comprised of nearby folks who are also going #2 (and by number two we mean poo). IPOO, in all of its classy demeanor, scans the local area and lists other users going poo nearby while marking them via a GPS supported map with images of – you guessed it – poo. Holy crap that’s a lot of poo!
Through the app, IPOO users can also message each other, draw graffiti on virtual stalls for others to see, and earn points and badges just for doing what they do best! While most of you are now wondering who the hell would use such an application, we’re wondering something a little more – health conscious. Is it possible to get pink eye from a touchscreen phone?
People who would use this app: Anyone with a crude sense of humor would enjoy talking to others who are dropping a deuce. We’re not saying it’s immoral to entertain yourself on the toilet because we all do it, we’re just saying the application is not classy. In case you’re wondering, and haven’t figured it out by now, our earlier remark about the app being classy was said in sarcasm. We’re guessing Zuckerberg decided to leave out similar features from Facebook for a reason.
The Worst Mobile Apps On the Market
If you thought some of the apps above were bad, just keep going. We have even more of the worst mobile apps coming up. If you’re feint of heart, please do not continue.
Hair Plucker – As the developer’s claim, this app is “plucking awesome,” but we beg to differ. Hair Plucker encourages users to pluck rebel hairs from semi-attractive cartoon ladies (we only say semi-attractive because they’re cartoons). The idea is to use the touchscreen to pluck the hairs from various areas of a woman’s body. Unfortunately, there are no shaved men in Hair Plucker, which means the application has a certain, sexist appeal. See what we did there?
Not only is this application disgusting, it’s disgusting. Luckily the same developer decided to make another game dedicated to popping pimples, and yes it also features semi-attractive cartoon dames. If you want to pop the pimples or pluck the hairs from a woman’s body, then these apps are for you!
People who would use this app: We’re getting an image in our mind’s eye of a creepy fellow all hunched over, perversely stroking his mobile phone. Realistically, that’s probably not what users of said application look like, but we know they obviously have a crude and childish sense of humor. There’s nothing wrong with either of those traits, unless you combine them with the desire to pop pimples and pluck hairs from a lady’s body.
iTan – This application operates under the false pretense that it will tan the skin of its users. Obviously we shouldn’t have to imply the notion that a modern mobile device could not tan someone’s skin, but we just did. iTan will omit a blue glow from the phone, just like one would see when under the lights of a tanning booth – but sadly, the blow glow is all it has. The lights produced by the application will not, and cannot, be of the ultraviolet variety, which is exactly what’s required to tan skin. Luckily, the application won’t give users cancer either… or will it?
People who would use this app: The closest fans of Jersey Shore, and probably some unfortunate bronies who want a quick tan. No further joking is required.
I Am Rich – This application was created for the sole purpose of showing off, or to make someone else rich (we’re not sure which reason is correct). When I Am Rich was first released in the Apple Store it cost a whopping $1,000, and thus was rapidly banned after being purchased a total of 8 times. The application simply displays a diamond on screen, and that’s it. There’s nothing flashy about it, but that’s supposedly how the developer wanted it to be used – presumably users would flash the app around to friends and colleagues showing off their total rich-ness. If someone had flashed the app to one of us, it would have only solidified their total douchebagginess (yes, that’s a word). Fortunately the app can now be downloaded for free via several mobile app markets, and now everyone can flash around their “douchebagginess”…er…sorry, we mean richness.
People who would use this app: Well, considering the application is now free, let’s just say we’re a little scared to bad mouth said crowd. It might be quite large.
G-Massage – Have you ever felt the need to ask for a soothing, sensual massage from your phone? No? We haven’t either. The G-Massage application allows users to take advantage of the vibration feature on their phone to give themselves a massage, with an electronic device. The G-Massage application offers several different vibration modes, including a customizable timer mode, which allows users to schedule a vibration session. Maybe it’s the childish and immature part of us, but we’re betting the app mostly gets used in other (more sensual) ways. Yeah sure, everyone can turn on the massage app and give their sore back or thighs a quick rub-down, but come on – there are better ways to apply a vibrating massage tool.
We’re also wondering if this app could potentially damage the battery or the vibration motor in the phone, but who thinks about such practical things especially when using a four hundred dollar device?
People who would use this app: Old fogies and creeps.
Hangtime – This app is literally dangerous, not necessarily for the user but for the phone it’s installed on. The application encourages users to throw their phone high into the air, and it measures time and distance traveled thanks to the integrated accelerometer. Unfortunately, the app doesn’t come with a self-deploying parachute for the phone, which means if you throw your phone and fail to catch it – pop goes the weasel. The application itself originally cost a dollar, but if you factor in the cost of a new four hundred dollar phone – it’s a hefty price tag.
People who would use this app: Should be locked in a stockade for eternity; endless, infinite loops of eternity. We don’t care if that last statement makes sense to you, it does to us.
The Worst Mobile Apps On the Market: Runner Ups
Of course, we didn’t sift through the rubble only to magically find the candidates listed above, we had lots to choose from. Take our word that there were a lot more useless apps out there. Here are some of the runner-ups for the worst mobile apps available.
Beer Opener – This app allows users to open a beer without actually opening an actual beer and drinking it. Basically, there’s no beer involved except for the virtual bottle which users open on their phone screen.
UK Payphone – This app displays all the local payphones in the UK area. Of course, the app is only helpful in the UK, and if you don’t have a mobile phone, a mobile phone which you are now using the app on.
Sexy Girl Talk – This app lists the alphabet through an audio stream, the catch is that the entire alphabet is spoken by a professional voice model in an exceptionally risque tone. Yes, we said professional voice model.
Passion – This app is designed to measure how well a user’s sex life is, and provide an ample score. The user must leave Passion running, and place their mobile device somewhere under the sheets or under a pillow, and it will create a score based on the combined measurements of the accelerometer and the phone’s integrated microphone. To reiterate, Passion expressly monitors the noises and movements that users make during sex.
FatBurner2K – This app advertises that it will help its users lose weight if they place the mobile device slightly above their belly button. FatBurner2K then uses the phones vibration function to “burn the fat away,” while still allowing overweight users to munch on donuts and pastries.
Taxi Hold Em – This application blares a shrill whistle from the phone speaker and displays a hideous yellow taxi sign on the phone screen for the sole purpose of hailing a cab. We’re guessing anyone standing on a street curb using this app is more likely to get shot than they will hail a cab.
iPickup Line – Spicy pick up lines to pick up women direct from a mobile phone. Unfortunately, the pickup lines aren’t all that brilliant.
Teen Drug Abuse: 34 Warning Signs – This app is for those worried parents out there who think their child is in possession of drugs. Unfortunately, the app doesn’t tell parents that if they’ve found drug paraphernalia in their child’s room, they’re already screwed.
Proposal – This app allows users to propose with their phone through cheesy special effects. If you propose to anyone with your phone, you deserve to be alone forever.
Baby Shaker – This app is in the form of a simple game that awards points for shaking a newborn baby. Users have the option to shake the phone gently to lull the crying baby to sleep, or to shake the phone violently until cartoon “X’s” appear in the babies eyes (signifying death). The reason why this app almost made the list is obvious, it’s offensive and morose.
Keep in mind most of this piece is presented with a humorous, dry and very sarcastic tone. We meant it to be funny, even if it is slightly crude. Please do not take what is said here seriously, unless of course you are just as humorless as us. Also, we’d advise you not to install any of the apps mentioned, after all they are the worst mobile apps available.
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